of course it would have been easier to stay in bed.

but then, tossing and turning with no good thoughts in your head and an empty stomach was proving less appealing than even it sounds.

so here i sit, hunched over the keyboard, with everyone else in bed, and a chunk of that wierd pumpkin bread stuff with maple syrup. it's got nothing in it but pumpkin, applesauce, spices and flour. wierd? fuck yea.

when i was in africa, i was excited to go back. nervous, but excited. this time coming back, though, i feel like i've grown out of the people i know there.. they don't know me, i don't know them, and i'm an outsider again. maybe i just got too used to feeling like an outsider this summer? i don't really know. but i'm not particularly looking forward to finding those friends who were linked by irondale earlier this summer to be breaking apart of their own accord.

i don't want to be a drifter, anymore. i want people to know who i am, i want to know who people are and care about them for that instead of merely for their existance, i want to feel close to someone. physically and emotionally. i've never been one to miss physical contact; in fact i'd grown completely resistant to most forms of physical contact after last summer. but right now, snuggling up with someone to talk or watch a movie or even just lay there and watch the world go by.. sounds wonderful. it's not even a sexual thing, at all. just the prolonged absence of any significant type of physical contact on my part. i realize this is partially my fault. it's going to take quite awhile before i figure out how to allow people to be friends with me, in relationships in which i am an active participant. but i'm lonely.

maybe it's bad karma. i sure as hell harbor a couple dozen catholic churches worth of remorse for all the shit i've put people through.

maybe, just maybe, i have fucking nothing to offer worth friending.